Last Thursday was the one year anniversary of losing our baby Jamie. Needless to say, it was a very emotional and trying day. Part of me didn’t even want to acknowledge the day because I was worried that if I let myself remember the pain then it would consume me. Last year after losing Jamie I lost several weeks. I have vague memories but the first thing I truly remember was August 4th, one month after losing Jamie. I was scared that would happen again. It was the most difficult time of my life and I did not want to repeat it. At Robby’s urging I did allow myself to break down a little. Robby held me while I cried, and I wrote a poem which I would like to share with you today
If you look at me and see that I’m overweight, do you judge me?
If you ask me what I do and I say I don’t work do you look down on me?
If I brush my hair out of my eyes and you see my tattoo do you label me?
I can see it in your eyes when you’ve found my category. When you’ve decided who I am.
Do you know the weight,
the shame I feel?
Because you don’t really see me
You don’t see that the weight is from overeating as a child, trying to protect myself.
Trying to turn into someone no one would want
Someone no one would molest again
You don’t hear that I cannot work because of the PTSD, all you hear is that I don’t work.
That I don’t ‘earn my way’
You don’t hear that I wish I could work,
wish I could control it,
wish I could ‘get over it’
But I can’t.
You don’t know that my tattoo is the heartbeat of the baby I never got to hold.
You don’t know that when you ask me if I have kids my heart breaks a little more.
You don’t see me
Please don’t judge me.
I am so much more