We’re just so close

It should not be this hard. We finally have everything lined up. All the test are great and we actually have the green light but now Rob can’t get off. I know he wants to but he just can’t and it’s really starting to make me mad. THIS IS OUR SHOT. We only get to take the Clomid for 6 months, and I do not want to lose one of our chances. And yeah, I know that he has the hard part of sex, I just get to enjoy it, but I am still so mad. I haven’t gone through all these tests and treatments just to get to the finish line and just quit. But I can’t keep getting my hopes up. It just hurts too much. Last night when he said that he needed to stop because he wasn’t getting anywhere and it was starting to hurt I just lost it. I just sobbed and sobbed because it felt like at that moment we were losing our baby. Our chance at a baby. And I wanted to scream and throw things because it shouldn’t be this hard. It’s not fair that everyone else gets their babies right away and we have worked so long and so hard and now it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen because of one stupid little issue.

I am glad he came up with the idea to get off into a cup and then use an eye dropper to shoot it into me, but it is still really frustrating. I can’t help but feel that if he could just get out of his freaking head then everything would be fine. I knew he was struggling last night but all I wanted to do was tell him to suck it up, this is how we have to conceive a child, it’s not ideal, but this is what we have, so just pull yourself together and get over it. I feel like he gets so stuck on the idea that he has to be turned on right now that he can’t relax enough to actually get aroused. And I’m trying to tell myself that it’s just the situation, that it’s not me, but it’s not working the best. I just feel like if I was a little more arousing, or could please him a little more then this will work and everything will be fine.

Friday I was so ecstatic and so positive. I could hear the Dr saying “you’re pregnant”. I could just hear it. And then yesterday I woke up with a sinking feeling. It was like part of me knew it was already over.

I know how to handle getting a negative pregnancy test, but I don’t know how to handle not even getting to try. I don’t want to be angry, but I’m worried that if we don’t get to try this time and if we don’t get another chance that I will always partly blame him.

I just don’t know how to handle that.


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