Talking with Tory


I needed to talk to someone who knew both me and Rob and would tell me the honest truth, so I sent Tory a message and we talked. It kills me that this might not end happily. I was sobbing as I was typing, and I just don’t know how to handle this.

Sheila said that people with severe mental disorders rarely have lasting relationships, and average couples only have a 50/50 shot. I had never really considered the possibility that we might not end up together in the end. But it’s a real possibility. Because Tory is right. I can’t keep putting myself through this. There won’t be any of me left

 

  • Laura

hey, things are really not going well. Can you please read this: https://thingsineedtosayblog.wordpress.com/2013/08/ and maybe fb chat with me?

i really don’t want to talk on the phone, otherwise i would call you

  • Tory

hey. i read it. how are you?

  • Laura

miserable

i don’t want to go through this tory

  • Tory

i know you don’t. can you explain a bit more about what happened?

  • Laura

yeah. you know we’ve been trying to conceive for a while now, and i went through tests and medicine and we got the green light that we had a healthy egg and to try. Rob has had performance anxiety before and he said that he would work on it but he didn’t, and when it came time for us to try he could keep an erection (sorry for the penis talk). He kept saying he was stuck in his head and it was never as good as what he pictured in his head

  • Laura

I tried but nothing helped.

  • Tory

ok. a: that’s not something you can really fix or even affect.

  • Laura

And i suggested he call the therapist or do something, try and address the issue and he didn’t.

i know that, that isn’t the issue, i understnad that that happens

  • Tory

you guys have the same therapist, right?

  • Laura

yeah

  • Tory

what were his reasons for not talking to her?

  • Laura

i dont’ know. he wouldn’t talk to me

  • Tory

does he usually not talk to you about stuff that’s bothering him?

  • Laura

yeah, that’s the root of the main issue

he won’t talk to me

he won’t talk to anyone

he won’t admit that he has issues that need addressed. He keeps saying he is working through them but he’s not.

He goes to the therapist and just tells her everything is fine

He has said he is going to work on the porn addiction and he doesn’t.

he says he is going to do all sorts of stuff and he doesn’t

  • Tory

Laura, this isn’t a healthy relationship anymore. you both need to be able to talk to each other. and obviously that isn’t possible. he can’t kee doing this to you. he’s lying to himself and to you. over and over and over agin

  • Laura

i know and i hate it

i hurt so much

  • Tory

i’m proud of you for stepping away and going to the hotel. it’s exactly what you should be doing at this juncture

i know you do. i’m sorry you have to feel so much disappointment and hurt so much right now

  • Laura

i know it is. I just hate that I’m having to go through this. I never thought I would feel like this. I only addressed my issues because I wanted to be with him. Because I knew we were supposed to be together

But he won’t address his issues

  • Tory

i know you did. i know you worked really hard to be able to be with him and i know it has to be a slap in the face that he won’t do the same.

  • Laura

He says he is going to now, and i hope and pray he actually will, but I just can’t wrap my head around the idea that I might lose him

  • Tory

i’m going to be completely honest…i don’t really see you guys being able to fix something thta is so ingrained in his personality.

  • Laura

i am so scared that is true

  • Tory

i get that he is saying that he is going to work on his issues, but the disappointment he will bring if he doesn’t will just snowball until there is nothing left of you.

  • Laura

i know you’re right

  • Tory

i understand how much you hurt right now and how much you will hurt if this doesn’t work out, but i can also imagine how much you will hurt years down the road when this cycle continues. and that amont of pain breaks my heart

  • Laura

I never wanted this. I never wanted to fall in love, I just did. And part of me wishes I never did

because i can’t keep going through this

  • Tory

i know, and i know that when you met rob that you felt you had found your knight in shining, anxiety ridden armor. but he’s not so shiney anymore

  • Laura

i know. I feel like that guy is still in there some where though.

I told him I can’t keep going through this, that he has to step up and make the changes

  • Tory

i don’t honestly think you’re going to find him.

but you’ve told him that before

  • Laura

i just can’t accept that. i can’t.

  • Tory

then this is going to continue to hurt you over and over and over again

  • Laura

i just can’t make any big decisions right now. I know that there is a chance that this may not end happily, but I just can’t give up yet

and i know you are being honest, and i appreciate that. I need that.

  • Tory

i agree that you should wait to make any kind of decision. you are way too upset to make any kind of definitive decision. What i think you should do is entertain the notion that ending the relationship might be what you need to do for you, so that if it is what you need to do, you are prepared for it.

  • Tory

you need to do what’s right for you, and no one else.

and that might not be what’s easy or what you want to do right now, but it has to be the best thing for ou in the long run.

  • Laura

i know

i know i need to accept that this may have to end. it’s just so hard to give up the person i love. To accept the idea that i may never get him back

  • Tory

i know. but is he still the person you love? people change and sometimes they CAN’T change back

  • Laura

i know

i nkow i know i know

i don’t know how to handl ethis

  • Tory

it sounds to me like you are handling it.

exactly the way you should. i know it isn’t easy, but you are taking the right steps

  • Laura

i hope so. I know it’s the right thing. i really do. Im just having a hard time accepting that this is real

i knew marriage wouldn’t be easy, that we would have troubles, but i never thought it could hurt like this

not even marriage, love. i didn’t know love could hurt this much

  • Tory

that’s the thing, Laura, marriage isn’t supposed to be easy, but it ISN’T supposed to hurt like that. the fact that it does should tell you something. And love is definitely supposed to be easy and should never hurt like that

  • Laura

i just hate that i opened myself up to this kind of pain

  • Tory

i know. but you can’t keep yourself closed off from the world, either

  • Laura

I wish I had

  • Tory

that’s not the solution. i know it feels that way, but it’s not.

  • Laura

i just wish i knew the answer. I could go through this so much easier if i knew we would make it. If i knew that in the end we would work this out it wouldn’t hurt so much now. I hate thinking that i’m going through all this hurt and pain and it might never get better

  • Tory

i want to tell you everything will be alright. but the fact is, it might not get better. i will not tell you what to do, i don’t know what the “right” answer is, but i do know that a relationship with someone who loves you shouldn’t bring you to your knees like this is

  • Laura

i know. i lov eyou tor

  • Tory

i love you too

and our relationship….completely healthy

if not a little strange

  • Laura

true

  • Tory

and when i say a little, i mean completely bonkers

  • Laura

very true

  • Tory

i hope i was at least a little helpful

  • Laura

you were

  • Tory

good. keep me appraised of the situation, ok?

  • Laura

i will tory. i love you

  • Tory

love you too. i’m really proud of you for taking that step out the door

try to get some sleep

  • Laura

thanks tory. i’m probably goign to pass out here pretty soon

  • Tory

good. good night

 

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