Things are not good


I had an appointment with my therapist today. I told her everything that happened this weekend. She was appalled. She said I had every right to be mad, that I should be mad. That I can’t let him get away with this. He needs to take responsibility. And he does. He needs to know how much he hurt me.
He’s been doing this over and over and he keeps hurting me. I’ve told him, and he does it anyways. It’s just like the masturbation thing: I told him over and over how he was hurting me and he didn’t listen. It wasn’t until we reached a breaking point that he changed. And I’ve told him that I wanted to work on this, that I didn’t want it to get to the breaking point.
But he didn’t listen and now we are to the breaking point.
I don’t want to live my life without him, but I can’t keep putting myself through this. I don’t want this to turn into an abusive relationship, but I’m scared that it’s headed that way. Not physically abusive, but emotionally. He’s breaking my heart every time he says he will do something or will change and then doesn’t.  I keep getting my hopes up and then my heart gets broken.
I am proud that I actually stood up for myself. There have been times before when I wanted to walk away and say that I’ve had enough, but I never did it. I was afraid that he would hate me. And I’m still afraid that he will hate me, but I need to respect myself enough to recognize that our relationship has become toxic. That needs to stop. When I was 6 I respected myself enough to walk away from a relationship that wasn’t doing anything but hurting me. Now I’m praying that by taking a step back now we can fix our relationship and I won’t need to walk away. Because I truly do love the Robby that I know is in there somewhere, but I can’t keep waiting around and hoping that he will change. He needs to make the change. Because it’s not just going to get better.
Earlier today he sent me a text asking if I was mad. I said I was mad at the situation but I hadn’t sorted out how I felt towards him. After my therapy appointment he sent me a text and asked how it went. Below is the message I sent back and the conversation that we had on Facebook. Right now I’m sitting on the bed at the hotel room, wishing we weren’t going through this. Wishing he was holding me. Wishing that I wanted him to hold me. I don’t want to lose him. I love him.
This is a long and very blunt messageand i hate that i have to write it but i do. I
sorted a lot of stuff out at sheilas. Yes i am mad at you, and things between us are
bad right now. I know we can get through this if we are both willing to put forth
the effort. I am willing but i dont know if you are and that scares me. We can email
back and forth now or use fb or just talk when you get home but i need you to
realize just how serious this is. I feel like im the only one in our relationship. I
dont feel loved and i havent felt loved for a while. I dont feel like you are
addressing issues we have talked about and that youve said you would work on and it
is damaging our relationship and it needs to stop because i am just about at my
breaking point. I booked a room at the extended stay on miller lane for 3 nights
because i dont feel ptsd safe in our house or with you. Im not going to go
 check in until after we have talked because i need you to know i am not doing this
lightly or because im giving up because im not. I just dont know if you are truly
willing to do whatever it takes to keep us together. I dont want to lose the robby
i love but right now youre not that robby. I want that robby back.
Facebook Conversation
Robert

 

I’m here
  • Laura

    hi

  • Robert

     

     

    hi got your message sorry you feel that way. I do truely love and care for you and want to be in this relationship

  • Laura

    I”m just so tired of being disappointed. Of feeling like if I don’t do something then it’s not going to get done. I feel like everything I do I do for you, and that’s fine, I love you, but I don’t feel like I get anything back.

  • Robert

    I’m sorry. I understand what you are saying, I’ve been doing a lot of taking and taking advanatage of you being there for me.

  • Laura

    if you know then why are you doing it

  • Robert

    I don’t know.

  • Laura

    you need to figure it out.

  • Robert

    I know and I will.

  • Laura

    do you actually mean that? Do you actually have a plan, an idea? Or are you just saying you will to appease me and then let it slide?

  • Robert

    I plan on spending a lot of time talking to sheila and examining my life.

  • Laura

    when? at your appointment in 2 weeks?

  • Robert

    I will make time to get in before then.

  • Laura

    i hope so. You’ve said all this before and it never happens. I need to know that you mean what you say, and unfortunately I won’t know that until you actually do something.

  • Robert

    ok, so what’s the plan on the hotel?

  • Laura

    i moved money from savings. it was 210$ for 2 nights. I’m withdrawing 200$ cash just to have to feel secure and i’m leaving you the checkbook. I’m going to take the car too

  • Robert

    ok, that’s fine shouldn’t need the car unless I can get into Sheila’s in the next couple days.

  • Laura

    if you do then we will work something out. I think we will still do dinner with grandma and Todd on Thursday, but I’m going to go down to my folks alone on friday. To be honest, I don’t think you really want to be there and I need some time to decompress, plus I want to see them

  • Robert

    ok that’s fine

  • Laura

    And we need to decide what we are doing about trying. I want a baby, but not with our relationship the way it is.

  • Robert

    I want a baby too but agree that the relationship needs worked on first.

  • Laura

    ok. I think we will continue with the meds as planned but we aren’t trying. If things happen to line up, that’s great, but in all honesty I don’t see us having sex in the foreseeable future. I just don’t think we are at that point in our relationship anymore

  • Robert

    that is fiar

    fair

    I’m assuming I need to do the trash and the dishes correct?

  • Laura

    you need to do whatever you need to do for the next 3 days. I’m not giving you chores, or to do lists, you just won’t have me there.

    I can’t keep taking care of both of us.

  • Robert

    Ok

  • Laura

    i’m taking a laptop with me so we can talk some that way but I don’t think we should be texting all the time. If you have something you want to talk about we can talk, but please don’t talk to me just because you’re bored. I’m still going to go to choir wednesday

  • Robert

    ok, which laptop are you taking?

  • Laura

    i was going to take the work one, is that ok?

  • Robert

    That should be fine

  • Laura

    ok

  • Robert

    is there anything else?

  • Laura

    just that I love you and i really want us to be okay.

    do you want me to wait til you get home or just go now?

  • Robert

    I love you too and I want us to be okay. You can go now if you want too.

  • Laura

    ok. I’m packed. I’ll be leaving in the next half hour or so. I really hate this

  • Robert

    I hate this too, I’m sorry you don’t feel safe with me. I’ll do anything to change that. You are my kumquat and always will be

  • Laura

    I hope so. I don’t want to lose you. But I don’t want the relationship we have now either.

  • Robert

    i know. What are you going to do after 3 days?

  • Laura

    i don’t know. 3 days is Thursday. Dinner with my relatives, then I will go down friday, but i don’t know about thursday night. I guess we will just play it by ear

  • Robert

    ok

    have the cats been out today?

  • Laura

    they’re out right now

  • Robert

    ok

  • Laura

    i will put them away before I go

  • Robert

     

     

    ok thank you.

    i love you

  • Laura

    i love you too

  • Robert

    I can left you go if you want.

  • Laura

    it’s fine. I’m writing an email back to Melissa before I go

  • Robert

    ok, well be safe

  • Laura

    you too. I miss you

  • Robert

    I miss you too.

  • Laura

    I’m gonna go. Maybe we can talk later

  • Robert

    ok, i would like that.

  • Laura

    ok

  • Robert

    love you

  • Laura

    love you too. bye

  • Robert

    bye

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2 thoughts on “Things are not good

  1. Pingback: Broken Now Instead of Destroyed Later | Things I Need to Say

  2. Pingback: Adjusting | Things I Need to Say

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