What do I have left?


How much more of this can I take?

It feels like I’m losing everything.

I can’t have a career. We lost Jamie. Pretty much right after that I lost Robby. He has been distant ever since then, and I desperately want him back, but to be honest, I don’t have him yet. Now we are losing the chance to have a family, and everyone else is getting a family. This is killing me. I really feel like my soul is dying.

I hurt so much. All I’ve done my whole life is try to be a good person and I keep getting the worst-case-scenarios. What did I do to deserve this much pain? I don’t understand why God is letting me (making me?) go through this. I need something good. Anything.

And Robby has started to slip and that scares me. This morning he slept through his alarm, and tonight he was going to do dinner because I had a meltdown over Melissa’s news, and he decided to order pizza instead of cooking. He ended up changing his mind, but that really scares me. Am I going to lose him next, for good? I can’t take that.

The girlie dr still hasn’t given me my results yet. I thought I would get them Tuesday or Wednesday but I’m not going to get them until tomorrow. To be honest, I kind of doubt that I will get them then. I want more than anything to be pregnant. To have one good thing in my life. But I’m sure that it will be negative. And I don’t know how I will handle hearing that, especially given that we aren’t trying any more. I want to try, I want a family, but Robby and I just are not there. I can’t even imagine kissing him, let alone having sex. And that means that we won’t get to have a family for years, if ever. I keep holding out hope that maybe this time we got our miracle. But I have been hurt/burned/disappointed so many times that I honestly have no confidence that this time our miracle will happen.

Now one of my best friends is pregnant. She and her husband (Bob) have two kids and they weren’t even trying and now they get to have another baby. Melissa gets to be pregnant and I don’t. We have been trying for so long and have been going through so much. She was so sweet about how she told me. She was so upset. She said that the first thing she thought after “How am I going to tell Bob” was “How am I going to tell Laura”. She has been one of my rocks through everything this past year, and now she is unwillingly a source of pain. She kept apologizing. I don’t want her to be sad that she gets the miracle of having a baby. I just want that same miracle.

She said she wanted me to be one of the first to hear and that she wanted me to hear it from her, not by some other means. She said she knew how hurt I was when I found out about Beth’s pregnancy. The other reason she said she wanted to confide in me was because if things don’t turn out and she loses the baby she knew I would be good support. And I will. I will be there for her during the pregnancy, and I will be there for her if she loses the baby. She pointed out that she is 37, so there isn’t a great chance for the baby, especially since she has miscarried before, but she said that the further along she has gotten the more she believes that it’s going to stick.

I do not want her to lose her baby. She is an amazing mother. But it’s just not fair that I don’t get to be a mother.

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