Facing it

I can feel myself trying to put a wall up between me and the rest of the world, and I know I need to fight it, but all I want to do is hide. I don’t want to face everything that is going on in my life. I want to retreat into my own little world where I can convince myself that I am okay. That I don’t hurt. That I’m not scared.  And I know that in the long run, hiding is just going to make everything more difficult, but I just want a break. I don’t want to have to deal with this. I don’t want to face it. Part of me wants to cancel on Emily tonight. I love her to pieces but I just don’t want to talk about what has been going on with me and Robby. It’s all so hard and so fresh that even thinking about telling her scares me. I know she will be supportive and understanding, I think I don’t want to say anything because part of me wants to deny that this is really happening. But I know it’s not going to get better until I stop running and actually face this. And if I hide from the truth then all this effort, all this work and pain that I’ve put into the situation will have been for nothing because when I am finally forced to face the situation I will have to start at the beginning. And I just want to be better. I want to feel safe and strong and know that I am being the person I am meant to be. It’s just going to take so much to get to that point, and by taking the first steps that we have taken, I am recognizing that there isn’t goign to be a quick fix. There are no short cuts. We have to do this the right way. And I liked what mom said to me, about how only we can decide what the ‘right way’ is for us. I think to me, the ‘right way’ means facing everything. Starting at the surface and slowly peeling back and exposing each new layer to see what the damage is, and then fixing it before moving onto the next layer. We can’t put a band-aid on this, or the wound will just fester, and if we let it fester long enough then we may not be able to heal it. And even though that knowledge doesn’t make it easy to go through this, and I definitely don’t want to go through this, it drives me to do it anyways. And we will do it. I’m sure there will be times when we just need to take a break from reality, and I’m sure there will leaps forward and steps back, but I think as long as we are both committed to sticking with it, we will get there in the end. I had been so focused on whether or not Robby was committed to fixing us that I never really thought about what it would mean for me to commit to fixing us. Because I have a lot of personality traits and habits that need addressed too, and I have to be just as committed to fixing myself as he is to fixing himself.


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