When Robby and I started dating I (obviously) had a lot of issues to work through. One of the boundaries I had to overcome was being able to admit my feelings. Being me, I tried to analyze my feelings scientifically in order to validate them, as well as protect myself. I thought that if I could fill out a check list then I would know what to expect, what to feel. I thought my feelings had to fit a universal definition in order to be ‘real’. While I was trying to sort all of this out I started to pull away from Robby, but I finally wrote him this letter around the end of April/beginning of May of 2009.
This is the other half of why I brought up the fact that I can feel myself protecting myself because I’m expecting you to leave. I could feel myself putting that wall back up. These are basically some things that I didn’t want to tell you because I was afraid of opening up to you, but I recognize that part of a relationship is opening yourself up to the other person. I’ve just worked on the assumption so long that if I keep things that could complicate a relationship (any relationship, friends included) hidden, then the relationship won’t be complicated. But the thing is, I know that that is not how life works, and that hiding things will only make our relationship more complicated, and I don’t want that. I’m writing this to you because I want to break down that wall I’ve been trying to put up. So here goes:
I’m trying to find a way to say the things that I’m scared of the most. I want to say things that in the past I’ve always run away from, but for some reason, I feel as if I’m going to lose you if I don’t say them. I don’t feel pressured to say this, but I don’t want it to come out wrong. I’ve always been frustrated by the phrase, ‘I love you’ because it can mean so many things. It’s too ambiguous. And it’s so frustrating because I don’t know how to say what I’m feeling. The thing is that when I think of you, I can’t stop the words ‘I love you’ or ‘I love him’ from popping into my head. But I don’t know what that means!!! I know that I miss you when you’re not here, that I smile when I think about you, that I feel like every situation would be better if you were there. That when I think of home, I think of being with you, in your bed, in your arms. That I want to wake up next to you every day, that I want you to be there next me when I graduate, when I go to grad school, when I’m happy, when I’m sad. Whenever. Quite possibly forever. And while that scares me, I really do want to be with you, and I’m going to fight with all my strength to keep us together. I think that Becky had it right, that I finally found a good thing, and I really can’t imagine finding something better, and I don’t want to try. I am so happy with you, and I’m sorry I have to write this, but I’m still a little too scared to actually say this to you. Today, when you said that you were also preparing yourself to get hurt, my heart just broke. I don’t want you guard yourself against me. I never realized how much it must hurt you to hear me doubt us, or you, until you said that. I never want you to doubt us. And I know, sometimes I doubt us, although it’s not really doubting us per say, but more of a ‘this is too perfect, it can’t be my life, so there is no way that it will work, my heart is going to get broken’. But the thing is that I trust you. I really do. And that’s huge. For me to say that and actually mean it, really means a lot, and I never would be able to trust you if you hadn’t been so patient with me and worked with me on my issues. You have no idea how grateful I am to you for that, and I know it can’t have been easy, and probably still isn’t easy, so I just want to say thankyou. Thank you so very much Robby. Basically, this entire rant was to say that……..I love you…..I don’t know if it’s the dictionary definition or not, but it’s what I feel. In my own messed up, weird, confusing kind of way, I really do love you. I’ve wanted to say this for a few days, and have actually been holding it in because I wanted to say it when I wasn’t scared anymore. But I think that I’m just going to be scared until I actually say it. Or write it in this case.