Starting the Process

I start EMDR therapy next Thursday.

Holy freaking crap.

For the last few weeks I have been doing research on EMDR and emailing back and forth with my dad about insurance (I’m on his insurance because of Obamacare), but this morning I was poking around the EMDR Institute website. They have this really great tool where you can put in the first 3 digits of your zip code and they will find all the registered EMDR therapists in your area. I put in the numbers for my area and got around a dozen results, which was actually a lot better than I was expecting. Having been molested by a male, a male therapist is pretty much out of the question, so I found the first female name that I got a good feeling about (Dr B) and called and left a message. She called me back right away and we talked and I have an initial appointment next Thursday at noon.

Most of me is so excited that I am actually (finally) starting this. I can’t wait to see what my future holds and how I will grow and develop, and even flourish by going through this therapy. I feel like for the first time I actually have a chance to get back all of me. It’s like there have been parts of me that were locked away, and with this therapy I might get those parts of me back, and I can’t wait.

But part of me is terrified beyond all reason. I know this is going to be hard and I know it is going to hurt. This could be the hardest thing I ever do. Like I wrote in Setting the Break, EMDR works by re-opening the trauma and allowing the patient to process it properly. Knowing how the process works and knowing that I am essentially going to have to relive the worst moments of my life are two very different things.

I’ve tried to keep myself busy today, but I can feel myself starting to freak out about the idea of starting therapy. Part of me wishes I could start tomorrow. Just jump in, not let the fear get a hold of me.  I was actually surprised she could see me as soon as next week. I had wondered if she would be booked for weeks and I would have to wait to get an appointment. I think it’s good that I have a week before starting therapy. This gives me time to adjust and process. I think like any type of therapy a person has to go when they are ready, and if I can deal with the week of waiting, if I can wrap my head around this and reconcile it in my head and my heart then I truly am ready. A while ago, Sheila had given me a pamphlet on EMDR with a number to call and see about setting up an appointment, but the woman I spoke to was rude and I chickened out in the end. I don’t think I was ready. But more and more, with everything that we have been going through, I feel like everything is lining up and this is the right time. And I am ready. I’m scared, but I am ready.


3 thoughts on “Starting the Process

  1. Hi there!
    You don’t know me, but I like to comfort you (if that’s ok), because I read this post. First of all: You can be very proud on yourself for getting yourself the help you deserve. It means you aknowledge your worth (which is possitive for your selfesteem)
    Also you can be proud of yourself for ‘feeling ready’. It’s good you dare to face this, although you’re scared. (which makes perfect sense, of course you’re scared!)

    You’re right, it probabely is the hardest (or one of the hardest) things you’ll ever do, but believe me when I say it’s absolutely worth it.

    I understand you need to know a little more about me, before you can believe me, so I’ll tell you:
    I am a 23 year old girl, also in EMDR therapy. I can asure you it’s life-changing.
    I am diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to severe childhood sexual abuse, combined with an unstable home-situation.
    Before I had EMDR therapy, I had group therapy, which made things a lot better, but didn’t solve my issues completely, because it was mostly about stabilizing and coping skills.

    Since january this year I am in EMDR therapy. The therapist is one of the therapists that I know from the group therapy. She is specialized in complex trauma and I feel completely safe with her. (It’s important for you to understand that you need to feel completely safe with your therapist, because otherwise the therapy won’t work, but don’t worry: Any good therapist will work on that with the greatest care).

    It was heart-pounding scary, it is painfull like hell (which you can handle because the therapist is there to guide you), but it also makes me feel so much better! It feels as if this huge weight is lifted from my shoulders (permanentely). It’s not only reprocessing your trauma’s, it’s also creating new possitive beliefs about yourself (and countering old unhealty ones), learning healthy ways to cope with stress and allowing yourself to mourn over the things you’ve lost. (so that you can go one with your life without being held back)

    You know what is possitive?
    When going to EMDR and learning about yourself that you CAN face your trauma’s, that you are SURVIVING them and that you’ll OVERCOME them eventually.

    I’m still in EMDR, because there’s so much to work on, but I already have overcome so much. I didn’t believe this was possible at first. I’m really grateful I have the opportunity to be in this specific helpful therapy.

    I hope I gave you a little courage (although I’m sure you’ll do just fine without it).

    The best of luck and take care! 🙂


    • Thank you for your comment, it really was very encouraging. I’ve actually been really struggling with the idea of starting EMDR (see today’s post, you actually inspired it!!) so what you wrote really spoke to me. You will be in my prayers, and I hope that you feel comfort and support knowing that you are not alone and that you are cherished (even if it is by a complete stranger) just for being you.

      thank you again


  2. Pingback: Telling the Story | Things I Need to Say

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