I start EMDR therapy next Thursday.
Holy freaking crap.
For the last few weeks I have been doing research on EMDR and emailing back and forth with my dad about insurance (I’m on his insurance because of Obamacare), but this morning I was poking around the EMDR Institute website. They have this really great tool where you can put in the first 3 digits of your zip code and they will find all the registered EMDR therapists in your area. I put in the numbers for my area and got around a dozen results, which was actually a lot better than I was expecting. Having been molested by a male, a male therapist is pretty much out of the question, so I found the first female name that I got a good feeling about (Dr B) and called and left a message. She called me back right away and we talked and I have an initial appointment next Thursday at noon.
Most of me is so excited that I am actually (finally) starting this. I can’t wait to see what my future holds and how I will grow and develop, and even flourish by going through this therapy. I feel like for the first time I actually have a chance to get back all of me. It’s like there have been parts of me that were locked away, and with this therapy I might get those parts of me back, and I can’t wait.
But part of me is terrified beyond all reason. I know this is going to be hard and I know it is going to hurt. This could be the hardest thing I ever do. Like I wrote in Setting the Break, EMDR works by re-opening the trauma and allowing the patient to process it properly. Knowing how the process works and knowing that I am essentially going to have to relive the worst moments of my life are two very different things.
I’ve tried to keep myself busy today, but I can feel myself starting to freak out about the idea of starting therapy. Part of me wishes I could start tomorrow. Just jump in, not let the fear get a hold of me. I was actually surprised she could see me as soon as next week. I had wondered if she would be booked for weeks and I would have to wait to get an appointment. I think it’s good that I have a week before starting therapy. This gives me time to adjust and process. I think like any type of therapy a person has to go when they are ready, and if I can deal with the week of waiting, if I can wrap my head around this and reconcile it in my head and my heart then I truly am ready. A while ago, Sheila had given me a pamphlet on EMDR with a number to call and see about setting up an appointment, but the woman I spoke to was rude and I chickened out in the end. I don’t think I was ready. But more and more, with everything that we have been going through, I feel like everything is lining up and this is the right time. And I am ready. I’m scared, but I am ready.