Not a Man


There were several times in my life when I told myself that I was going to get over the abuse. That from this moment on, it wasn’t going to affect me any more. One of those times was back in 2007. We had just adopted my first little sister and I was laying in bed and I wrote this poem. I told myself that this was it, I was going to be okay. It didn’t work, but to this day this poem is still one of my favorite pieces.

I was young and naive

You knew all the right things to say

Before I could blink you had me wrapped up in your arms

I loved your smile, your touch, your kiss

I was addicted to your charm

I’ll never forget how you sang to me

or the way you said

.

‘Come on baby, what’s your worry?

You should do it cause you love me.

Come on.

Let me.

Don’t wimp out.

It’s what you owe me,

I’m your man.’

That’s when you were my man

.

And that went on for months on end

You owned my life

I never said anything to all our friends

even when you pushed me too far

I thought that you knew best

because you were experienced

and I trusted you when you said

.

‘You have to let me, I’m the guy.

I know men do this all the time.

Relax.

Hold still.

Don’t walk away.

It’s what you owe me,

I’m your man.’

That’s when I thought you were a man

.

Then one day in the car listening to the radio

I heard a song that maybe saved my life

(saved it from you at least)

it said “You have to tell ’em when you’ve had enough”

and I finally realized I’d had enough of you

so I looked at you and said

.

I don’t ever want to see you again.

You used me and abused me.

So I’m gone.

Good-bye.

I’m walking away.

You never would have touched me

If you were a man.

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3 thoughts on “Not a Man

    • Thanks! It’s kind of a dark poem, but I love it.

      EMDR is good so far. The first meeting was just a get-to-know-you type thing. This week is trauma history, which I am really not looking forward to because I know it will be painful, but at the same time I am ready to get the process started. My therapist (Lori) has me scheduled once a week for the foreseeable future, so we will see how this goes! I will be sure to post once the actual EMDR stuff starts.

      Thank you for thinking of me! It really means a lot
      Laura

      Like

      • Hi Laura,

        Very good to read!

        I hope you feel good with Lori (or see yourself growing in feeling good with her).

        I remember the trauma history part. What helped me was creating a safe place for myself. Writing things down and then putting it away in a box, while being in a room (or outside in nature, in my case), surrounded by safe things and safe people. I made a ‘ crisisbox’: Positive activities and things to do, people I could turn to, written memories and pictures that make me feel good, also exercises from my stabilization group that work for me (if you need any of them, I can send them to you :)). Maybe this can help you as well.

        I will keep thinking of you and reading your blog.

        Take good care 🙂

        Like

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