I want to get a job. I’ve thought of so many different things I’d love to do for a living, but I can’t do any of them right now. And even when I am stable enough, I don’t know if anyone will hire me with my work history. What if I have damaged my life too much to come back from? Is the only way for me to have a career to go back to school and start over?
I want to publish my book. I’m getting closer. This blog is helping me get (some) exposure, and it helps me to write what I am going through. And I think I finally know where I’m going to end the book: with the conclusion of my EMDR treatments. The book is actually titled “Things I Need To Say” and follows the same theme as this blog, but I could never decide where to end it. When we found out we were pregnant I thought about concluding the book with the birth of the baby, but then we lost Jamie. Then I thought about ending the book whenever we found out we were pregnant, but that didn’t (and isn’t) going to happen, plus it didn’t really fit with the theme of the book. But the EMDR treatments are perfect. It’s me taking my life back. Sheila asked me the other day what inspired me to seek treatment. I told her how she and I had talked about how I had been transferring my PTSD issues onto Rob without realizing it, and later I was thinking about how often I had done that exact thing without even realizing it. Over and over I had let what he had done to me as child come between me and Rob, and something inside me stood up and said “you can’t have this.” That was the line for me. And standing up for myself, and for our relationship and finally taking back my control is the perfect way to end my book. Sheila actually suggested I look into publishing it first as an e-book, and I did a little digging and that looks like a good option, but I still have to wait til I’m done with the EMDR therapy. I really hate waiting.
I feel like I’m suspended in time. That I’m just hanging here, not doing anything. I’m so bored, waiting for life to happen. I have so much coming up, what with the EMDR and Rob and I have some really fun stuff planned and I’m getting back into different church activities but most of the time I just feel bored. Like I’m just twiddling my thumbs. And it’s frustrating. It feels like I can’t harness my potential. That I have to wait until I get the EMDR resolved until I can truly be me again. I want to re-engage in life. And for the first time in years it is within my reach; it’s actually a possibility. Just not yet.