It has been several months since I last wrote.
EMDR has been going well. Hard, but well, and I’ve been feeling extremely overwhelmed. We’ve been dealing with a multitude of very heavy subjects, from adoption decisions to financial struggles, and it has really worn me down. I know I haven’t been taking care of myself like I should, and not writing falls into that category. Ironically, the things that help me cope, like writing, are the first things I let slip when I am struggling. I will withdraw withing myself while simultaneously neglecting my personal needs. Usually, I will just keep slipping, slowly going downhill until I reach a breaking point before I can finally break out of the negative cycle.
But I am trying to remedy that.
I want to heal. That’s why I started this entire blog. This entire journey, the EMDR, all of it. And I guess part of healing is learning to recognize and address my negative cycles, and I think the first step is starting to write again. When I get to the ‘self-neglect’ stage, it’s like I come up against this inner block. It’s not that I don’t want to write, because I do. Desperately. But there is just this wall I seem to hit inside that won’t let me feel anymore. Like I’ve reached my feeling quotient and I have to stop.
Have you seen the movie Frozen? Elsa is trying to run from something inside of her and she says “Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know”. When Rob and I saw that movie in theaters I had to work really hard not to cry because her words were exactly what I have been feeling. I don’t want to, but it’s as if I am full and can’t take anymore, and so I just start to shut down.
But I need to do what Elsa does and let it go. I need to be okay with the fact that people know that I am a broken person. It’s part of what makes me who I am, and I want to be (am trying to be) proud to share who I am. Because I want to see what I can do. I want to let it go.