Time to Be Me

Well, now my cousin is pregnant.

It doesn’t hurt as much as it did when I found out Beth was pregnant. But when Beth announced her pregnancy (quite rudely might I add), we were in the middle of TTC. Now we aren’t. In fact, we’ve actually decided that children aren’t a part of our immediate future.

That’s actually a pretty new revelation. When everything went wrong in August, one of the first things that Rob and I decided was that we would rather have a strong marriage with no kids than have children and neglect our marriage. We realized that TTC was putting too much strain on our relationship, and after a lot of talking we decided that having a biological child wasn’t that important. So we landed on adoption.

That was around September, right before I started EMDR. As we have worked through EMDR and everything that comes with it, we have made several realizations, and one of them is this: we  haven’t had any time to be us unencumbered by the PTSD. It’s always been there, we’ve always had to work around it. But soon it won’t be there anymore. And we want time to enjoy each other–just the two of us–before we add another person to our family.

Also, I haven’t had a chance to be free since I was 6. I’ve always had to put on a face–mask the pain, mask the fear, mask the fact that I’m drowning. I’ve always felt as though I have to have everything together. There is a line from a movie that says “You can’t lose it. Other people lose it. We’re supposed to find it” I’ve felt that my whole life. I’ve never felt as though I had the option to lose it. I always had to hold it together, hide how I was feeling. And I think (perhaps wrongly) that when you are a parent, you can’t ‘lose it’ anymore. You are responsible for another life. You can’t spend days watching TV and sewing while desperately trying to hold onto your sanity.

I want to know what life is like when you aren’t afraid to lose it. When you aren’t afraid to show your feelings. Hell, to feel your feelings. I want to get to know who I am. I want to have time when I can be free to just be me. The true me, not a me that I create for anyone else.

So we have recently decided that while we may want children in the future, we don’t want them right now. If/when we decide to have children, we will adopt, but our first priority is always our relationship.

I think that’s why it doesn’t hurt as much with Katy. It stung. I would give anything to have Jamie back (Rob would too, we talked about it) but we can’t. I will always miss Jamie, but this is the life we have. This is the life we have chosen, and I am happy with it.


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