Who Would You Be?


This is Jamie's heartbeat. Jamie's actual heartbeat. We had an ultrasound done a week before we lost Jamie, and it had the heartbeat on the print out. Now I have a little piece of Jamie with me forever.

This is Jamie’s heartbeat. Jamie’s actual heartbeat. We had an ultrasound done a week before we lost Jamie, and it had the heartbeat on the print out. Now I have a little piece of Jamie with me forever.

It’s been a year since we got our memorial tattoos. Tomorrow will be a year since your due date. We still miss you so much. Sometimes I try not to think about you because it hurts too much, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder, who would you be?

Would you have my big brown eyes or your daddy’s reddish curls? Would you have freckles on your nose? When I held you for the first time, would you have felt tiny in my arms? Or would I be amazed at how big you were already, and how you perfectly filled my arms? Would your first cries have made us cry, or laugh in sweet relief? Would seeing you in your daddy’s arms have been my greatest joy, making the 9 long months I never had, worth every stretch mark?

Would you crawl, or roll? Would you be walking yet? I’ve always wondered how you would have liked your first swim. You know, I was going to take you as soon as I could. Your daddy and I talked about it just days after we found out about you. I wonder if you would like refried beans instead of normal baby food. And I would give almost anything just to watch you sleep.

Would you have a favorite food? Would you love on both the cats? We were really wondering how they would react to you. I wonder if you would have a favorite book, or song. Would I have sung you the same lullaby my mom sang to me? For Halloween what would you have been, and how would we have chosen? Would you have picked your favorite animal, or would we have chosen for you? I know that for Thanksgiving you would have been our greatest blessing. And I wonder how you would have been meeting Santa Claus. Waiting in the line with all my little sisters at the mall, it really hit me just how much I missed you. I didn’t get to pick your clothes for meeting Santa. Christmas Eve was even harder. My favorite part of Christmas has always been the candle light service, and as your daddy and I sang ‘Silent Night’ tears ran down my face because you weren’t there. At a time when I normally feel so full of God’s love and the love of my family, there was a hole where you should have been. An emptiness in my arms.

There’s already been so much we’ve missed without you in our lives, and it’s only been a year. Jamie, we love you and we wish that you were here.

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4 thoughts on “Who Would You Be?

  1. Wow. This is incredible. I am so sorry for your loss. April 14 would have been our lost one’s first birthday. I never knew the gender, but I sensed that it was a boy. Your words make my heart ache. Thank you for putting this ache to words. I pray for your healing.

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    • Thank you for your sympathies. I am so sorry for your loss as well, but I am glad that my words could help you, if only a little bit. I pray for your healing and peace.

      Your sister in loss,
      Laura

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