I’m just feeling kind of lost.
I know that I’m sad and mourning Jamie, but I feel more lost than I have in a long time. I know that it’s Christmas but I’m just not feeling the spirit of the holidays. I have one decoration up, and it’s just a decoration that I picked up at the Dollar Tree. I just don’t feel the passion or drive to do anything Christmas related. I’ve enjoyed listening to some Christmas music but even that mood doesn’t strike me very often. It’s almost as if I’ve been avoiding Christmas.
And I don’t know why.
Last year I really enjoyed Christmas, at least, right up until Christmas Eve service. That’s when I lost it. I just cried and cried. The candlelight service has always been my favorite part of Christmas, and I really think it took until that moment for it to hit me that our baby wasn’t there with us.
I don’t know if I’m trying to avoid Christmas in an effort to keep it from hurting as much this year, or what. Which doesn’t even make sense, since I’m already mourning Jamie. It’s going to hurt no matter what.
And I guess I’m not completely avoiding Christmas. Cause I’ve had some fun doing some Christmas stuff. I enjoyed the cookie party, and the Christmas stuff at work has been fun too, especially the crafts with the kids. And I get to make a gingerbread house with little sister T tonight, which will be fun. And I’m looking forward to seeing Santa with the girls, and having some time with Robby when we are off from work.
I guess I just have to recalibrate. Maybe eventually I will want to decorate the house, and will be back to what I consider “normal”. But I guess for now I need to learn to be okay with a different way of celebrating Christmas.