just thinking

I ahven’t written in forever, and I don’t really know what I”m going to write right now, but I felt I needed an outlet. The last few months have been crazy. From new jobs, to panic attacks, to Robby being hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, and now to me home with a concussion.

We’ve been trying to do so much better, with me not taking care of him and with him making smart and healthy decisions, but it doestn’t feel like we’ve made much headway. He’s still overspending and over eating. And I”m still picking up the slack when I know I souldn’t. ANd I think this concussion has really made me realize all that. Because I should be willing to let him take care of me. I should be excited for him to take care of me. But other than him worrying about me, I don’t feel very taken care of. I feel very lonely. ANd i know that the concussion has messed up my emotions, but it’s all just so much to deal with. I’m getting scared we won’t be able to move because of the overspending. I”m worried we’ll never be out of debt becuase of the overspending. I’m worried he’ll never get healthy and I’ll lose him too soon. And it really hurt today when he said he’d noticed that I could stand to lose some weight. I know that I’m big, and I’ve been working on gettin ghealthier. I went back to zumba and I still go for walks, but that just felt like a knife in the gut. I know i need to get healthier, and I’m trying. BUt it felt like he was criticizing me when he doesn’t even try. he’s spent over 60$ on fast food just in the last two weeks. I wanted to spend that money on paying down the credit card or at least put it in savings, but now it’s gone. And it doesn’t feel fair. Because it’s my money too. I know I don’t make much, but that doesn’t give him the right to waste all the money. Plus, I never get treats. He’s eating out pretty much all the time and I’m eating left overs (that I made) til I”m sick of them because I do’nt want the food to go to waste. ANd i know i should have brought this all up with him sooner. It’s my fault for letting it fester. But it’s got to stop.

And i’ve really been struggling with being off work this week for this stupid concussion. I know I needed the time off, but i didn’t want it. I lve my work and I want to be there. ANd i’m afraid that by missing this work they won’t want to hire me. I also realized that this reminds me too much of when i was a kid and would stay home. SOmetimes I was actuall sick, but most of the time it wsa the depression. And i always felt like a dailure. Life i was in trouble. Because I’d always have to go to the dr for a note and it always made me feel like I was messing up. Also, it felt like by not being at school, I was giving the other kids more reasons to hate me. I believed taht if i wasn’t a school, then i coudln’t prove that I was worth something. Like by not trying to show my value (to people I didn’t even like) that I was actually losing y value as a person. ANd of course that just made the depression worse. Part of me wants to go back to work tomorrow, part of me thinks i’m not ready, and a thrid part thinks that I’ll never be ‘ready’ and I’ll just have to dive in. I know once I actually get back to work, I’ll start to feel better. Being in a routine always helps. But im’ so scared. And I’m scared I won’t be able to handle it and i’ll either get worse or i’ll have panic attacks again. Becuase i kind of feel on the edge of a panic attack now. I just want to hide and cry. I just want to feel safe and supported and valued. I just don’t want to feel like everything is broken.

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