I keep having nightmares. Last night it was that a dog tried to eat the teddy bear I’ve had since I was a kid. It made me feel like I had lost stability. This teddy bear, who has been with me practically my entire life, was taken from me. And I couldn’t do anything about it.
And that’s how I feel life has been recently.
Our home was taken from us last month. The building was sold and the new land lords said get rid of your pets or get out. So we’re getting out.
But we didn’t choose this. We were forced. Yes, we’re buying a house, but there was no excitement, no joy, no fun in the process. It was desperation. Panic.
To be honest I’m not sure that I ever wanted to own a house. I’d love land to get to be myself and do what makes me happy, but I don’t feel ready to buy a house. I feel like I’m being forced to take a life step I wasn’t ready or prepared to take. But I can’t change what we’re going through. I have no control. No choice.
There have been so many moments in my life where someone else’s actions changed the course of my life. Or when life just happened to me and no matter how hard or terrible it was, that was my new reality. And I think I try to be so controlling because I have had my power and my choices taken from me so often. In some part of my mind I think that if I have control over everything, life won’t hurt me again. And so I get really rigid. I forget to have faith that things will work out. I’m scared to have faith that things will work out.
The night we found out that we lost Jamie, I prayed harder than I have ever prayed in my life. Until the doctor said there was no heart beat I honestly believed that things were going to be okay. I thought that I had already had my quota of ‘hard things’ in life and so this hard thing wasn’t going to happen. I thought for sure that God would protect me–protect us–from more pain.
And when He didn’t, something in me broke.
I know my faith hasn’t been the same since that day. There has been more questioning and anger in my relationship with God than before losing Jamie. More skepticism. More fighting for control.
Everyone around me is speaking faith into my life. Telling me that God will work things out. That life will work things out. But sometimes it doesn’t work out. Sometimes what you want the most is taken from you. And I cant help but think that God could change that. Faith teaches us that God can do anything, but why doesn’t He? Why is there pain and suffering and struggle? I know that the world is broken. That bad things happen. But I don’t know how to keep being positive and hopeful when I feel like I keep getting beat up by life.
It seems like the more life spins out of control, the more I try and find a way to control life. I think if I plan and am hypervigilant then I will be able to stop hard things from happening. That I won’t be blindsided.
Robby tells me to look at what we are gaining. To see all the good things that will come out of this.
And there are good things.
But I hate having my choices taken from me.
I hate feeling forced.
Because it’s not just moving (which I hate). Since we’re spending all our savings and more on buying a house, we can’t afford to do another round of IVF. We’re still going to go forward with the transfer in October, but after that we are out of embryos and out of options. We are having to choose between having a place to live and having a bio kid. A bio kid isn’t the end-all-be-all for me. I just want to be a mom. But it’s having the choice taken away that is so hard. That hurts so much.
I have always wanted to adopt. And we will be in a county that is known for their excellent foster care and adoption programs. Robby says he thinks this is God’s way of giving us both a home and a child. And he could be right. I hope he’s right. But I’m still so mad at the whole situation. I’m so tired of having to fight for every step forward in this life. And so often it doesn’t feel like a step forward. More like the stumble that comes right after you get hit.
I’ve accepted that we’re moving. That our life plan is changing. But I’m so exhausted. And life keeps coming.
I have to keep going to work. I have to keep doing the stuff and things and the adulting.
And all I want right now is a break. For someone to take care of me for a little while.
I want to feel secure.