I’m Scared

Yesterday, something scary happened to me.

Rob and I went out to breakfast at Steak n Shake, and I ordered a Peppermint Chip Milkshake (one of my favorite things by the way). I hadn’t eaten anything yet, and I was super excited about the shake, so I pretty much downed it. A few minutes after I finished it, I started feeling really weird. I was trying to cut out a coupon and I could make my hands line up the scissors. I couldn’t turn the paper. My eyes wouldn’t focus. Then my hands started shaking and my head felt unattached from my body. I managed to say “Some thing’s wrong” to Rob, but when he asked me “What?”, I said “I don’t know, just some thing’s wrong”. I had a really hard time talking, but I managed to say that my head and my stomach felt hollow, that the insides (the bones?) of my arms felt cold, that my eyes weren’t focusing, that I was confused. That I couldn’t move. My brain was trying to tell my arms to move, to and they weren’t responding. It was like nothing in my body was working. I felt like parts of the room were zooming in and out.

I was terrified. I felt like I had lost control of my body, and I didn’t know if my body was going to keep shutting down. I was scared I was going to lose consciousness. Rob said he thought my blood sugar had dropped drastically and that I would be okay, to just breathe. I asked him to hold my hands, and he did. He said I was pale. Nothing was making sense. Rob had me drink some water, but it was hard for me to move my hand and I had no strength in my grasp. Then I couldn’t figure out why I was cold until Rob pointed out that I was still holding my cup of ice water.

Our food finally came, and Rob told me to eat some chicken, that it would help me bring up my blood sugar if that was what the issue was. When I tried to pick up the chicken, my hands were shaking and I had to put it down and try again. I had a really hard time holding onto the sandwich because I had no grip in my hands. After a few minutes of eating, though, I felt like my brain was clearing. I didn’t feel normal, but I could focus my eyes again. My stomach hurt really badly, and I would feel cold off and on, but when we left I was able to stand and walk on my own. Before I ate the chicken, I could barely move my arms, and there was no way I would have been able to stand.

Rob called his dad when we got to the car and his dad suggested that we get some orange juice, so we went to Walmart. In the car, my arms wouldn’t stop shaking and I wasn’t sure if it was because of being cold or because of what was going on. I didn’t want to be left alone because I was scared by what had happened, so we went in together. I walked very slowly, and I was still very confused when we were in the store. I drank the juice as Rob drove us to the doctor, and I was still really weak and confused. We went in, and I couldn’t really explain what happened so Rob took over and I asked if I could sit down. I could see the concern on the nurses’ faces.

They took me back right away, and took my vitals. My BP was a little high, but I think that was mainly because I was so scared. They tested my sugar and it was 106, which is within normal ranges. They said they would expect it to be a little higher, but it was still normal. They decided not to send me to the ER, but to send me home since my vitals were back to normal. They said I shouldn’t be alone and if it happens again, I need to go to the ER.

I’ve talked to a few people and done some research and everything points to hypoglycemia in response to food. It looks like my body over-produced insulin and sent my blood sugar way too low. I was told by my girlie doctor just last week that I should be tested for insulin resistance, and now this happened.

I want to get tests done to figure out for sure what happened, because aside from losing Jamie, that was the scariest medical thing I have ever been through. I had no control over my body and if Robby hadn’t been there I don’t know what I would have done. I’m planning to call the doctor tomorrow and ask for (demand?) blood tests for insulin resistance, diabetes, glucose tolerance, and postprandial hypoglycemia (my friend who is Type 1 told me to ask for that test). I’m just worried that the doctor is going to brush me off. Or that they won’t order the tests for me. I’m just scared that I won’t get answers and that I will be at the risk of just waiting for this to happen again. I think I’m scared of being out of control. Of knowing that I’m just waiting for something to go wrong. Plus, I had to call in to work, and that makes me nervous. I guess I’m just scared to be kept in limbo. Not knowing what to expect, not knowing what is wrong.

Just not knowing.

Starting the Process

I start EMDR therapy next Thursday.

Holy freaking crap.

For the last few weeks I have been doing research on EMDR and emailing back and forth with my dad about insurance (I’m on his insurance because of Obamacare), but this morning I was poking around the EMDR Institute website. They have this really great tool where you can put in the first 3 digits of your zip code and they will find all the registered EMDR therapists in your area. I put in the numbers for my area and got around a dozen results, which was actually a lot better than I was expecting. Having been molested by a male, a male therapist is pretty much out of the question, so I found the first female name that I got a good feeling about (Dr B) and called and left a message. She called me back right away and we talked and I have an initial appointment next Thursday at noon.

Most of me is so excited that I am actually (finally) starting this. I can’t wait to see what my future holds and how I will grow and develop, and even flourish by going through this therapy. I feel like for the first time I actually have a chance to get back all of me. It’s like there have been parts of me that were locked away, and with this therapy I might get those parts of me back, and I can’t wait.

But part of me is terrified beyond all reason. I know this is going to be hard and I know it is going to hurt. This could be the hardest thing I ever do. Like I wrote in Setting the Break, EMDR works by re-opening the trauma and allowing the patient to process it properly. Knowing how the process works and knowing that I am essentially going to have to relive the worst moments of my life are two very different things.

I’ve tried to keep myself busy today, but I can feel myself starting to freak out about the idea of starting therapy. Part of me wishes I could start tomorrow. Just jump in, not let the fear get a hold of me.¬† I was actually surprised she could see me as soon as next week. I had wondered if she would be booked for weeks and I would have to wait to get an appointment. I think it’s good that I have a week before starting therapy. This gives me time to adjust and process. I think like any type of therapy a person has to go when they are ready, and if I can deal with the week of waiting, if I can wrap my head around this and reconcile it in my head and my heart then I truly am ready. A while ago, Sheila had given me a pamphlet on EMDR with a number to call and see about setting up an appointment, but the woman I spoke to was rude and I chickened out in the end. I don’t think I was ready. But more and more, with everything that we have been going through, I feel like everything is lining up and this is the right time. And I am ready. I’m scared, but I am ready.