How It’s Supposed To Be

Today is Christmas, but it’s not how it is supposed to be.

You’re supposed to be here.

We were supposed to make cookies together, get to watch you unwrap presents, and take you to see Santa. We should have gotten to help you decorate the tree, hang up the stockings, and unwrap your presents. We were supposed to get to hear you laugh at all the Christmas fun and see your eyes light up at all the wonders you would be understanding for the first time. We were supposed to feel our hearts fill with love and joy when you ate the frosting and candy toppings while decorating cookies, when we helped you hold your candle at the Christmas Eve Service, and when we all snuggled up to read The Night Before Christmas together.

But that’s not how it is.

Because you’re not here.

Instead we try and hold it together when we see the kids at the mall, excited to see Santa. Kids that would be about the same age as you. Instead, we feel an ache in our heart because the traditions we wanted to share with you make us miss you even more. They just remind us that you’re not here.  Some days are easier, and some are so much worse, and so to cope with the holidays, we cling to each other. We tell each other that’s it’s okay to struggle, that Christmas never will be the same, but some years will be easier–maybe even almost ‘normal’–and this just happens to be a rough year. We know you are having a wonderful Christmas in Heaven, and it soothes our hearts to know you are there, but oh, Jamie, we wish you were here. So we spend time together, just the two of us, because even though it’s been two and a half years, the loss of you still hurts as much as it did the day we lost you.

Because we never stop missing you.

 

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A Lack of Christmas Spirit

I’m just feeling kind of lost.

I know that I’m sad and mourning Jamie, but I feel more lost than I have in a long time. I know that it’s Christmas but I’m just not feeling the spirit of the holidays. I have one decoration up, and it’s just a decoration that I picked up at the Dollar Tree. I just don’t feel the passion or drive to do anything Christmas related. I’ve enjoyed listening to some Christmas music but even that mood doesn’t strike me very often. It’s almost as if I’ve been avoiding Christmas.

And I don’t know why.

Last year I really enjoyed Christmas, at least, right up until Christmas Eve service. That’s when I lost it. I just cried and cried. The candlelight service has always been my favorite part of Christmas, and I really think it took until that moment for it to hit me that our baby wasn’t there with us.

I don’t know if I’m trying to avoid Christmas in an effort to keep it from hurting as much this year, or what. Which doesn’t even make sense, since I’m already mourning Jamie. It’s going to hurt no matter what.

And I guess I’m not completely avoiding Christmas. Cause I’ve had some fun doing some Christmas stuff. I enjoyed the cookie party, and the Christmas stuff at work has been fun too, especially the crafts with the kids. And I get to make a gingerbread house with little sister T tonight, which will be fun. And I’m looking forward to seeing Santa with the girls, and having some time with Robby when we are off from work.

I guess I just have to recalibrate. Maybe eventually I will want to decorate the house, and will be back to what I consider “normal”. But I guess for now I need to learn to be okay with a different way of celebrating Christmas.