Dear God,

God, I’m struggling. I don’t want to be bitter or resentful, but I keep feeling as though every one around us is being blessed while we just keep waiting. We want a child so badly. We know that you meant for us to be parents, but it just hurts so much. To see people having babies, to see kids who would be Jamie’s age. It just hurts. And there is nothing we can do but keep waiting. I’m trying so hard to hold onto my faith, to the knowledge that you have a perfect plan. But I need hope. I need reassurance that we will get our blessings.

And I know it’s not fair to ask You for blessings, when You have given us life and love, and all the other blessings that I know we have but right now don’t seem that important. I want to be thankful. I want to rejoice in you, rejoice in life. Please carry my heart for me, because it’s hurting. Fill it with hope and peace and thankfulness. Let me appreciate instead of resent.

And, oh Lord, please please bless us. But until you do, let us be happy in the moment.

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Can You Slap A Pregnant Woman?

A co-worker of mine is pregnant. They got married at the end of August and the baby is due at the beginning of June. I don’t have a problem with that.

What I do have a problem with, is this: the whole summer when she was planning her wedding, she kept venting to me and saying she wasn’t sure why she was going through with it. That she wasn’t even sure she wanted to marry him. She was angry and frustrated and questioning their relationship. And now she has been saying that she is regretting getting pregnant so quickly. That she wishes that she would have planned better, that she should have thought things through.

I hate the fact that she is pregnant already, but I hate even more that she is regretting having the baby. And I doubt that she actually regrets the baby, because she’s talked about being a mom for a while. I just feel like she’s rushed into this, which she admits, and is just setting up the baby for a rough life.  After losing Jamie, it just hurts so much to watch this unfold every day at work. To see someone regret the child growing inside them. Because it’s something we would not regret. She gets pregnant super easily and is now bringing a baby into an unsteady relationship, and Rob and I want a baby more than we can say and we have very little chance of having a baby. It just sucks. It makes me want to walk up to her and slap her for being so ungrateful. For not cherishing that little life inside of her. I would give almost anything to have Jamie back again, or to have another child, and she is complaining.

It makes me feel twisted and dark inside. Like I’m filling up with bitterness. And I know I should pray for her, for her situation to improve, and I am trying. I really am trying. Because I do want her to be happy, and I want so badly for that baby to have a good life, but I am so angry. I am so hurt. And oh Lord, I am so bitter.

Baby?

It’s hard not to think about having kids. It’s something Rob and I both want, but at the same time feel we can’t have. At least, not right now.

We tried to conceive several years ago after we lost Jamie, and found out that I don’t ovulate, at least not with any regularity. That, combined with several other factors, led us to the decision that we should hold off on having children for a few years. When we talked about it again, we both kind of mutually agreed that we would adopt.

But now the subject has come up again, and I’ve been thinking about rainbow babies. Carrying a baby inside of me. I know it seems irrational, because we have all these good, logical reasons why adopting makes more sense, but maybe this doesn’t have to be logical.

A co-worker of mine is pregnant, and when I saw her ultrasound pictures today I was just filled with this deep sense of longing. Not anger, not jealously, but deep, heart-filled longing.

And as I was leaving work tonight, I was so sad, because having a baby is something I want so badly. And I just kept replaying the other day when Rob said “Now I just have to not get my hopes up” in reference to us being pregnant. Not that we’re trying, but we’re also not not-trying.

And I guess there is always a chance, but I just don’t really see how we could conceive. Actually, I guess I’m concerned that we wouldn’t conceive a healthy baby. If I rarely ovulate, what are the chances that we will randomly have a healthy pregnancy? And if we do decide to try, I need to switch medicines because some of the ones I am on are not safe for TTC. I am so scared to conceive while on dangerous meds. I can’t even describe how scared. In all reality, I could be pregnant now (highly unlikely, but possible), and I have even been wondering about it the last few days.  Things like, ‘huh, my breasts are sore’ and ‘man, I am really hungry’ even (sorry if this is TMI) ‘woah, weird discharge’.

Part of me wants to test and find out, and the other part of me just wants to ignore everything. I don’t want to get my hopes up. I don’t want to find out I am. Because if I am, I have been on meds I shouldn’t be, and I could be hurting the baby. But if I am, I need to know sooner rather than later to stop the meds. But then I think I am just being paranoid and tricking myself because I want it so much.

I just don’t know what to do. Should we try again? Can we even afford a child? Are we ready for a baby? I feel like we are ready for a baby, but does being ready for a baby mean that you are ready for a 7 year old, because I do not feel ready for that. Can we handle it if we lose another child?

To Parent or Not To Parent

One thing I’ve found is that so many people have children without even thinking about it. It’s just a given. It’s what you do: You get married, you have kids.

Sometimes not in that order, but I digress.

But the thing is, it shouldn’t be a given. We are sentient beings. We take the time to make decisions about everything in our lives, having children should be no different. We agonize over what college to go to, who to marry, what our careers should be, and yet we give very little thought to the question “Should I be a parent?”.

And it’s not simply a question of whether or not children should be a part of your future.

Should you adopt? Should you have biological children? Should you have children at all? There are so many different options. What should factor into your decision? Only you can answer that, but here are a few thoughts that I have come up with.

I personally believe that one factor should be based purely on you and your partner. It depends on your lifestyle, your hopes, your ambitions, your personalities and innumerable other things. This leads me to my first category.

1. People who should not be parents

This covers a multitude of reasons. Everything from “it’s not what I want to do with my life” to “I am not capable of raising a child”–which, let’s face it, can cover anything from health issues to selfishness to a toxic personality that could actually damage a child.

I think we all know people who fall into this first category, and many of them (sadly) have children, and the children are the ones who suffer the most. Taking the time to truly decide if you are meant to be a parent isn’t just for you, it’s for the potential children too.

And if–for whatever reason–someone decides that a child is not a part of their future, do not try to change their mind. Do not say ‘oh, well some day you will’. Do not judge them. It is their decision, not yours, and you have no idea what went into making it. Respect that.

Of course, there are people who a meant to be parents. I know so many wonderful people who are parents and so many wonderful people who are meant (and want) to be parents, but do not have children yet. This brings me to my next category.

2. People who should be parents and their genes are beneficial to the gene pool.

PLEASE NOTE: I am NOT, by any means, saying there should be rules and regulations for who should be allowed to reproduce based solely on their genes. This is not that kind of thought. In fact, I will use my husband and I as an example, and a true example at that.

My husband has bi-polar disorder, migraines, moderately severe sleep apnoea, and has a family history of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes. I have depression, anxiety, migraines, poly-cystic ovary syndrome, extremely poor vision and a family history of heart disease, bi-polar, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and stroke. We didn’t feel right saddling our child with that. Again, it is not about us. It is about the child.

Hundreds of years ago, I wouldn’t have lived into my reproductive years. I would have died from appendicitis at age 9. But instead, modern medicine saved me.I am beyond grateful that I live in a time and place where technology has given me the chance to reproduce (since I can’t on my own). But that same life-saving technology has eliminated natural selection. So we have to make that decision ourselves. It is irresponsible–not just for your child, but for future generations–to reproduce without considering whether or not your genes negatively impact the gene pool, and to what degree.

The next kind is related to the previous two categories and it is this:

3. People who should be parents but shouldn’t allow their genes to continue to affect the gene pool

Maybe there is a couple who should be parents, but they are carries for Huntington’s Disease. They would fall into this category. This is where options such as adoption come into play, although some people in this category do wind up in the first category because they feel it is what is right for them.

On the flip side of that there are also people who should not be parents but their genes would be beneficial to the gene pool. This does not, under any circumstances, mean they should have children just because they have good genes. That is never a good enough reason to bring a child into this world. I’m not including this as ‘main category’ simply because it is not a reason to have or not have children.

Children are a blessing, but not to everyone. And not everyone is a blessing to children. There are so many ways to make a family, and I feel that we have–as a society–been defining it too narrowly. We need to thoughtfully make these decisions for ourselves, not rely on the momentum from the past to make our decisions for us.

Note to Self:

I always feel better after talking.

Hardly anyone understands loving someone who has an addictive personality. But Emily does. She and Drew have gone through some of the same things that Robby and I have. Drew is struggling with porn and Emily is struggling with self esteem because of that. Emily is struggling with the pressure of trying to conceive and Drew is struggling with withdrawing within himself, with keeping the “I’m fine” mentality when he really isn’t.

I thought that it would be helpful to talk to her, but I didn’t expect how healing it would be.

I know I have trouble reaching out for help when I need it, so I am writing this to myself: You always feel better after talking.

Talking with Melissa

I wrote the other day about how my good friend Melissa has unexpectedly found herself pregnant, and it really shook me up. After a lot of praying and crying I started to be able to wrap my head around her news. This is a chain of emails between us.
Date: Thu, 15 Aug 2013 19:32:11 -0600

  Subject: hugs for Melissa

 Hi Melissa,    I wanted to write you a little email to say a few things. First off, I am SO happy for you, and Bob. Second, I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so kind in telling me your news. So many people have thought only of their excitement and not of how other people might feel, and one of the most amazing things about your spirit is how empathetic you are. Thank you for being you. Third, I love you to pieces. I consider you one of my best friends (#1 local friend! 🙂 ) I know that life has thrown you a curve ball, and I just want you to know that I am here for you in any way you need me. I am more than happy to cry with you during movies, eat weird craving food, listen to your hopes and worries, and anything else you need. I know that you are concerned for me and I love you for that. I’m not going to lie, it does hurt that God hasn’t blessed us and that we are going through such a difficult time right now, but I don’t ever want you to hesitate to call me because of that. It would hurt me so much more to have a barrier come between our friendship. I am praying for you, Bob, and the little one to come and I hope and pray that everything turns out well. I would be honored to get to be by your side and help support you through this, and I can’t wait to hold that little blessing (yes there will be tears 🙂 )

Congratulations again

laura

PS- I told Rob, I hope that is okay. I told him not to tell anyone else.

Date: 8/16/2013 10:45 AM
Subject: RE: hugs for Melissa

You are beautiful!!! I am so glad you are my friend!

Maybe it’s the hormones….yes….I’m sure it is…but you sent me to tears!

I love you, Laura! Thank you.

Melissa

Date: 8/16/2013 7:15 PM
Subject: RE: hugs for Melissa
That’s okay, I was crying when I was typing it :)Got the call from the girlie dr- not pregnant (darn) but I DID ovulate 🙂 I told her that we are going to take a break from trying for a while and she asked if everything was okay. I told her we had been going and going for two years and our relationship was starting to suffer and that we wanted to take time to rebuild us before adding another family member. She said she thought that was great and that after we strengthen our relationship we can come back and make it even stronger with a baby and to call her if she could do anything. She also said she is praying for us.

It’s weird how much more mentally stable I feel after hearing that we are not pregnant. I’m disappointed because I do still want to be a mom, but so relieved that we can take the time to fix us and rebuild our relationship.

Thinking of and praying for you 🙂

Laura

Sad Relief

Yesterday actually was a very eventful day. Mom and my little sister Taylor (age 7) came up to visit me and the plan was that Taylor and I would go to a local children’s science museum while mom did her own thing. They got here a lot earlier than I expected and since the museum doesn’t have a food court we decided to walk to the local toy store and snoop for a bit before going to lunch together and then going our separate ways. The toy store was the first time I had been around people since I had my melt down, and I started to unravel. We stopped by the library on the way home so I could pee, and I also got to talk to Robby. It was so great to want to turn to him and not feel afraid to. To actually see him as a source of comfort was wonderful. We talked a bit and I decided to ask mom if we could change the plans and have all of us do something together that wasn’t the museum. Mom completely understood and explained to Taylor that being around so many kids and babies was going to be too hard on me (Mom had explained to Taylor why I was having such a hard time). Taylor was a little bummed but I promised we would reschedule our museum day, and when I suggested we go play with puppies at the puppy store she cheered right up.

I dropped the car off to Rob (I forgot to tell him I was doing that so soon and I kind of threw him off. I felt bad that I didn’t communicate that I meant I was bringing him the car NOW, but I’m glad he mentioned something so that I know how he felt) and Mom, Taylor and I headed to the puppy store. I was still calming down from my panic and accidentally sent us the wrong way (mom was driving) but we just took a detour and it all worked out.  We decided to each pick a puppy to play with. Mom chose a teensy Yorkie who trembled the whole time he was with us. Taylor picked a dachshund who was a little sweetie pie. She was the color of butterscotch chips and had the biggest ears and the tiniest little legs, I don’t think they were more than an inch and a half long. Her tail was wagging the whole time and she had so much energy! I picked the Rottweiler that I had played with last week but he was very wound up and Taylor was a little scared of him because he was so big, so we didn’t play long. I really think puppy therapy is one of the most effective ways to feel better.
We went to lunch, stopped by Hobby Lobby, and then went to the theater to see Planes 3D (pretty much the same basic movie as Cars, but still good. Taylor was SO EXCITED that it was in 3D and she was amazed at how big the theater was and that we had it all to ourselves. About halfway through the movie Dr M called me, so I went out of the theater to answer (reception was horrible and my phone was (of course) dying). She said that the blood work did show that I ovulated, and she was getting ready to give me instructions for the coming month when I told her that we had decided to stop trying, at least for now. She paused and asked if everything was okay, and I told her how we had been trying for 2 long years and our relationship had started to suffer and we wanted to take the time to rebuild before adding another family member. Dr M said that she thought that was a very smart move. That when we strengthen us we can come back to her and strengthen our relationship even more with a baby. She asked if there was anything she could do for us, and that if we needed anything then to call her. She also said she will continue to pray for us. I was so touched by her genuine concern. Through everything we have been through she has been so personally invested and has shown that she truly cares about her patients. I am so glad she is my doctor.
Well, we aren’t pregnant. Actually, the dr said there still is a small chance since the blood test was done so early, but Rob and I have decided not to test unless my period is very late. But the point is that Rob and I can actually take the time to rebuild our relationship. For once, we got the simpler option (yay). We talked a lot yesterday about how we feel about that news and we both agreed that we are sad but relieved. Sad because we do want to be parents, but relieved that we can give our full attention to us.

What do I have left?

How much more of this can I take?

It feels like I’m losing everything.

I can’t have a career. We lost Jamie. Pretty much right after that I lost Robby. He has been distant ever since then, and I desperately want him back, but to be honest, I don’t have him yet. Now we are losing the chance to have a family, and everyone else is getting a family. This is killing me. I really feel like my soul is dying.

I hurt so much. All I’ve done my whole life is try to be a good person and I keep getting the worst-case-scenarios. What did I do to deserve this much pain? I don’t understand why God is letting me (making me?) go through this. I need something good. Anything.

And Robby has started to slip and that scares me. This morning he slept through his alarm, and tonight he was going to do dinner because I had a meltdown over Melissa’s news, and he decided to order pizza instead of cooking. He ended up changing his mind, but that really scares me. Am I going to lose him next, for good? I can’t take that.

The girlie dr still hasn’t given me my results yet. I thought I would get them Tuesday or Wednesday but I’m not going to get them until tomorrow. To be honest, I kind of doubt that I will get them then. I want more than anything to be pregnant. To have one good thing in my life. But I’m sure that it will be negative. And I don’t know how I will handle hearing that, especially given that we aren’t trying any more. I want to try, I want a family, but Robby and I just are not there. I can’t even imagine kissing him, let alone having sex. And that means that we won’t get to have a family for years, if ever. I keep holding out hope that maybe this time we got our miracle. But I have been hurt/burned/disappointed so many times that I honestly have no confidence that this time our miracle will happen.

Now one of my best friends is pregnant. She and her husband (Bob) have two kids and they weren’t even trying and now they get to have another baby. Melissa gets to be pregnant and I don’t. We have been trying for so long and have been going through so much. She was so sweet about how she told me. She was so upset. She said that the first thing she thought after “How am I going to tell Bob” was “How am I going to tell Laura”. She has been one of my rocks through everything this past year, and now she is unwillingly a source of pain. She kept apologizing. I don’t want her to be sad that she gets the miracle of having a baby. I just want that same miracle.

She said she wanted me to be one of the first to hear and that she wanted me to hear it from her, not by some other means. She said she knew how hurt I was when I found out about Beth’s pregnancy. The other reason she said she wanted to confide in me was because if things don’t turn out and she loses the baby she knew I would be good support. And I will. I will be there for her during the pregnancy, and I will be there for her if she loses the baby. She pointed out that she is 37, so there isn’t a great chance for the baby, especially since she has miscarried before, but she said that the further along she has gotten the more she believes that it’s going to stick.

I do not want her to lose her baby. She is an amazing mother. But it’s just not fair that I don’t get to be a mother.

Things are not good

I had an appointment with my therapist today. I told her everything that happened this weekend. She was appalled. She said I had every right to be mad, that I should be mad. That I can’t let him get away with this. He needs to take responsibility. And he does. He needs to know how much he hurt me.
He’s been doing this over and over and he keeps hurting me. I’ve told him, and he does it anyways. It’s just like the masturbation thing: I told him over and over how he was hurting me and he didn’t listen. It wasn’t until we reached a breaking point that he changed. And I’ve told him that I wanted to work on this, that I didn’t want it to get to the breaking point.
But he didn’t listen and now we are to the breaking point.
I don’t want to live my life without him, but I can’t keep putting myself through this. I don’t want this to turn into an abusive relationship, but I’m scared that it’s headed that way. Not physically abusive, but emotionally. He’s breaking my heart every time he says he will do something or will change and then doesn’t.  I keep getting my hopes up and then my heart gets broken.
I am proud that I actually stood up for myself. There have been times before when I wanted to walk away and say that I’ve had enough, but I never did it. I was afraid that he would hate me. And I’m still afraid that he will hate me, but I need to respect myself enough to recognize that our relationship has become toxic. That needs to stop. When I was 6 I respected myself enough to walk away from a relationship that wasn’t doing anything but hurting me. Now I’m praying that by taking a step back now we can fix our relationship and I won’t need to walk away. Because I truly do love the Robby that I know is in there somewhere, but I can’t keep waiting around and hoping that he will change. He needs to make the change. Because it’s not just going to get better.
Earlier today he sent me a text asking if I was mad. I said I was mad at the situation but I hadn’t sorted out how I felt towards him. After my therapy appointment he sent me a text and asked how it went. Below is the message I sent back and the conversation that we had on Facebook. Right now I’m sitting on the bed at the hotel room, wishing we weren’t going through this. Wishing he was holding me. Wishing that I wanted him to hold me. I don’t want to lose him. I love him.
This is a long and very blunt messageand i hate that i have to write it but i do. I
sorted a lot of stuff out at sheilas. Yes i am mad at you, and things between us are
bad right now. I know we can get through this if we are both willing to put forth
the effort. I am willing but i dont know if you are and that scares me. We can email
back and forth now or use fb or just talk when you get home but i need you to
realize just how serious this is. I feel like im the only one in our relationship. I
dont feel loved and i havent felt loved for a while. I dont feel like you are
addressing issues we have talked about and that youve said you would work on and it
is damaging our relationship and it needs to stop because i am just about at my
breaking point. I booked a room at the extended stay on miller lane for 3 nights
because i dont feel ptsd safe in our house or with you. Im not going to go
 check in until after we have talked because i need you to know i am not doing this
lightly or because im giving up because im not. I just dont know if you are truly
willing to do whatever it takes to keep us together. I dont want to lose the robby
i love but right now youre not that robby. I want that robby back.
Facebook Conversation
Robert

 

I’m here
  • Laura

    hi

  • Robert

     

     

    hi got your message sorry you feel that way. I do truely love and care for you and want to be in this relationship

  • Laura

    I”m just so tired of being disappointed. Of feeling like if I don’t do something then it’s not going to get done. I feel like everything I do I do for you, and that’s fine, I love you, but I don’t feel like I get anything back.

  • Robert

    I’m sorry. I understand what you are saying, I’ve been doing a lot of taking and taking advanatage of you being there for me.

  • Laura

    if you know then why are you doing it

  • Robert

    I don’t know.

  • Laura

    you need to figure it out.

  • Robert

    I know and I will.

  • Laura

    do you actually mean that? Do you actually have a plan, an idea? Or are you just saying you will to appease me and then let it slide?

  • Robert

    I plan on spending a lot of time talking to sheila and examining my life.

  • Laura

    when? at your appointment in 2 weeks?

  • Robert

    I will make time to get in before then.

  • Laura

    i hope so. You’ve said all this before and it never happens. I need to know that you mean what you say, and unfortunately I won’t know that until you actually do something.

  • Robert

    ok, so what’s the plan on the hotel?

  • Laura

    i moved money from savings. it was 210$ for 2 nights. I’m withdrawing 200$ cash just to have to feel secure and i’m leaving you the checkbook. I’m going to take the car too

  • Robert

    ok, that’s fine shouldn’t need the car unless I can get into Sheila’s in the next couple days.

  • Laura

    if you do then we will work something out. I think we will still do dinner with grandma and Todd on Thursday, but I’m going to go down to my folks alone on friday. To be honest, I don’t think you really want to be there and I need some time to decompress, plus I want to see them

  • Robert

    ok that’s fine

  • Laura

    And we need to decide what we are doing about trying. I want a baby, but not with our relationship the way it is.

  • Robert

    I want a baby too but agree that the relationship needs worked on first.

  • Laura

    ok. I think we will continue with the meds as planned but we aren’t trying. If things happen to line up, that’s great, but in all honesty I don’t see us having sex in the foreseeable future. I just don’t think we are at that point in our relationship anymore

  • Robert

    that is fiar

    fair

    I’m assuming I need to do the trash and the dishes correct?

  • Laura

    you need to do whatever you need to do for the next 3 days. I’m not giving you chores, or to do lists, you just won’t have me there.

    I can’t keep taking care of both of us.

  • Robert

    Ok

  • Laura

    i’m taking a laptop with me so we can talk some that way but I don’t think we should be texting all the time. If you have something you want to talk about we can talk, but please don’t talk to me just because you’re bored. I’m still going to go to choir wednesday

  • Robert

    ok, which laptop are you taking?

  • Laura

    i was going to take the work one, is that ok?

  • Robert

    That should be fine

  • Laura

    ok

  • Robert

    is there anything else?

  • Laura

    just that I love you and i really want us to be okay.

    do you want me to wait til you get home or just go now?

  • Robert

    I love you too and I want us to be okay. You can go now if you want too.

  • Laura

    ok. I’m packed. I’ll be leaving in the next half hour or so. I really hate this

  • Robert

    I hate this too, I’m sorry you don’t feel safe with me. I’ll do anything to change that. You are my kumquat and always will be

  • Laura

    I hope so. I don’t want to lose you. But I don’t want the relationship we have now either.

  • Robert

    i know. What are you going to do after 3 days?

  • Laura

    i don’t know. 3 days is Thursday. Dinner with my relatives, then I will go down friday, but i don’t know about thursday night. I guess we will just play it by ear

  • Robert

    ok

    have the cats been out today?

  • Laura

    they’re out right now

  • Robert

    ok

  • Laura

    i will put them away before I go

  • Robert

     

     

    ok thank you.

    i love you

  • Laura

    i love you too

  • Robert

    I can left you go if you want.

  • Laura

    it’s fine. I’m writing an email back to Melissa before I go

  • Robert

    ok, well be safe

  • Laura

    you too. I miss you

  • Robert

    I miss you too.

  • Laura

    I’m gonna go. Maybe we can talk later

  • Robert

    ok, i would like that.

  • Laura

    ok

  • Robert

    love you

  • Laura

    love you too. bye

  • Robert

    bye

It’s not going to happen

I should have known.

I don’t know why I got my hopes up.

I feel like an idiot. It never turns out and I’m starting to feel like it’s never going to.  And I’m starting to think I should stop trying. I really think if next month goes like this one then I’m going to call it quits. I can’t keep going through this.

I just can’t.

I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to not have children. But I’m getting to the point where it hurts too much. There has to be limit, and I think I’m at it.